Tuesday, February 28, 2012

More fath pleathe?

I'll never forget the day when I declared Dramatic Arts as my major in college. My professor felated my ego, telling me how important it was that I didn't let my talent go to waste and how bright my future would be if I kept honing my craft.


I went to that same professor 3 years later with wide-eyes and a nut sack full of vinegar, ready to become the first Seth Rogen.

Me- "So, what can I do for work with my degree while I pursue an acting career?"

Professor- "Uhhhh, well, you know, uhhh." Fart.


Fast forward another 5 years, and the those "uhhhhs" have turned to "ehhhhs" and I still have yet to use my degree for anything paycheck-related.

So take notice, college students. Don't let reckless cast parties and easy sexual liaisons cloud your judgment when it comes to your future. Unless, of course, you're like me and you enjoy being humiliated so you can write about it.

So, 5 years later:

I'm working the door. The doorman, if you will. Now, hotel doorman, while not the most dignified line of work, is a very lucrative job. You're constantly being handed cash because the doorman gets a cut of everything. EVERYTHING. I won't bore you with a breakdown, but trust me, they make insane money. The drawback is, well, being a fucking doorman. You wear a goofy hat and spend 90% of your shift in shitty weather opening doors for people who see right through you. Ever hold the door for someone and not get get a thank you? Enraging, isn't it? Try having that happen once every three minutes. And those are just the rude ones. Some people just flat-out treat you like an animal... in a goofy hat.

One day, this Brazilian family of 7 comes outside. Anyone who has ever worked a service industry job in NYC knows this family: Six drones who stand there and look stupid, and a 12-year-old who is the lone English-speaker. They're the spokesperson by default, and they're always a cunt.

This snot-nosed little jerk-off topped them all. He looked like any other Brazilian kid does- tanned and retarded, with massive teeth and braces. He also had a really bad lisp, which I found amusing. In the 2 days that I was working outside, he requested "ehhh 2 tacks, theven peopleth"(2 taxis for 7 people) four times, always within a ten block radius of the hotel. When I would tell this entitled little fuck that their destination was in walking distance, he would chuckle and say "ehhh no, no. 2 tack, theven peopleth".

Fine, cock sucker.

After two days of this bullshit and not getting tipped, I was about ready to snap. 7pm rolls around and it's cold and raining in the middle of January. Fuckface and family strolled out all gussied up to see "Ehhh Keen Lion on Broadway" and requested thier "2 tack, theven peopleth". Sure, kid, it's your day. I made the universal "you better give me a fucking tip" gesture by rubbing my index finger and thumb together, and he stared at me like I just told him to make out with his sister.

Ever try to get a taxi in Midtown Manhattan while it's cold and rainy? Not easy nor fun.

They, of course, stayed inside where it's warm and dry. The show didn't start for an hour, so there was no rush, but I see them getting all antsy out of the corner of my eye. Whatever, fuck 'em.

About five minutes go by and I'm soaking wet, freezing, and have beads of water dripping into my eyes from the brim of my hat. I couldn't wipe my face because my gloves were soaked and I had just stepped in a massive puddle, so my socks were also drenched. Finally, I was able to get one, so I signaled for four to come out, and they all piled in with the exception of dipshit and 2 others. No tip, no "thank you."

What I got when I turned around was perhaps the most condescending thing that's ever happened to me. There he was, right behind me, twirling his index fingers together in circles, hurrying me along.

Kid- "ehhhh more fath pleathe"

(more fast, please)

Here I was, a grown-man, educated, confident, and cultured, receiving a "make it snappy" gesture from a fuckin' kid.

I looked at him and before I could suppress the impulse, I screamed, verbatim-


He looked at me, completely unscathed, seemingly unaware that he was an eyelash away from getting his neck rung, and walked back into the warm, dry hotel. It didn't take very long to get the next taxi, but I wasn't done. Before they came out, I knocked on the drivers window, he rolled it down, and I say five magic words:

"Take them for a ride."

I didn't need to say anything else. The man winked and said in his heavy middle eastern accent "you got it, boss."

In New York, having a taxi "take you for a ride" means that the driver sensed that you didn't know where the hell you were going, so they took advantage of you by taking the most out-of-the-way route they could to run up the meter.

They scurried into the cab without acknowledging me and went off to see Keen Lion. But not before circling the block several times. Whatever, a small victory is still a victory.

Cock suckers- 10

T-Bone- 1

Thank you, Dramatic Arts degree.

1 comment:

  1. I always suspected as much.

    Fortunately, I have a keen sense of direction. While living in Mexico I never got taken for a ride, but visiting London I certainly did. Left, left, right, left,right, right, left. I called the cabbie on it, and it pissed him off that I caught him out. I informed him that he could drive me all around London but that I was on my way to the airport with my last 20-note in my pocket and could we get back to the right road. We settled on the 20 and I got to Vic Station in smart time. Bastard. I had done nothing to him but trust him.