Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Doorman's Guide to Fucking with Guests: Part II

I love fucking with people. Spending hours upon hours by myself during the Lonely Road to Midnight, I strive for these little victories. After posting all of the little games I play to get a rise out of people, I've come across a couple of new favorites:

GHOST DOOR

Last winter was remarkably mild, so the past month and a half has been a brutal rude-awakening. I'm supposed to stand outside at all times, but hotel management has neglected to provide me with a winter hat, so I refuse to once it gets dark. I figure that if the union will protect me against anything, it will be the complete disregard of my health in having me stand outside in single-digit degree weather while wearing a fucking mesh hat. Despite numerous requests for the proper outdoor attire, I have yet to receive anything that remotely resembles warm head gear. So I stand in the foyer with my assistant, Reggie.



(That's Reggie, my assistant. I gave him a giant beer to drink for his efforts. Door-manning can be stressful.)

Seeing that management could give two shits about whether or not I get phenomena, I stand inside, where it's warm and put Reggie to work:


What I usually do is lean against Reggie, and push the button with my back to open the door. The door automatically opens towards the street, so for people exiting the hotel, it appears to be opening via sensor. For people entering, however, it looks like there's a phantom opening the door. These idiots don't pay attention to me anyway, so they never actually see me when they're coming inside.

People's reactions are absolutely hysterical. Many will stop to look the door up and down, terrified, till they see me standing there. I usually have my hands buried in my overcoat pockets, and they can't see Reggie because I'm blocking him.

What's even better is that the door stays open for five seconds before closing on it's own. People, assuming that the ghost is just some dick that leaves the door wide open, will pull the door closed with all of their might, while I just lean on Reggie, thus making it impossible to shut it. For all of the people that deem my job to be useless because they can "open their own door", watching those same assholes get frustrated and fight with said door is a highly gratifying experience.

But, Doorman, what about the people exiting? Can you fuck with them, too?

I'm glad you asked. While there isn't much you can do, because people assume that there's a sensor on the way out, I like to do one little trick:

When people are a couple of steps away from the door, anticipating having to push it open, I lean on Reggie while quickly and fully extending my arm towards the door. To the tourist, it would appear that I was opening the door, using the force. You'd be stunned by how many people are impressed by telekinesis. 

"HOW DID YOU DO THAAAAATTTT?!?!?!" 

Channeling my best Michael Emerson, I always respond with the same answer:

Doorman - "I just do it." 

TOURIST PONG

Another treat to watch is when the "use other door" sign gets posted.

When it gets windy, management calls for one of the doors to be locked, so the cold air doesn't gust inside and lower the temperature in the lobby. They put this sign up, which asks guests to only enter through one single door. They lock the other one. This is what it looks like:


Here's the problem - When people see the sign, they assume that they need to enter through the side entrance. After 8pm, the side entrance closes. So if I'm not standing there, they'll walk back and forth to the entrances, like a game of "tourist pong", wondering if they've been locked out of the hotel entirely. I can't say that I blame them, because the sign isn't clear that the other door is open for business. And it would be easier if I were actually at my post to open the door and assure them that it's the entrance. But I don't stand outside, because they keep neglecting to provide me with a winter hat, so nobody wins. (Except me, because watching "tourist pong" is hysterical.)

My favorite part of all this is while people stand there and contemplate what to do when looking at the sign, I lean on Reggie, and the door mysteriously opens. People frightfully walk in like it's the Hotel Transylvania.

WEB SERIES UPDATE:

Things are going smoothly. I'm still doing a few re-writes and scouting locations, as well as pooling my resources to put together a crew. Several roles have been cast, though I will be holding auditions for a few characters in March. I'll post the casting call in a future blog post.

I'm likely looking at a mid-March shooting schedule over a couple of weeks, with post-production taking me into late April. As much as I'd love to shoot and post the episodes as quickly as possible, I'm not about to half-ass anything. More updates to come.

Also, with the Applebees waitress and Bitter Barista outings/firings, people have asked if it's discouraged me from attaching my face/name to this blog. I assure you, it has not.

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