Sunday, March 3, 2013

Doorman Gets Nostalgic Over Gallon Smashing Videos

I got hammered at the Rangers game on Thursday night, so I spent Friday in bed nursing a stage five hangover. Right after my 3rd or 4th nap of the day, I took a look at my Facebook feed to see a YouTube video titled "guy throws milk all over grocery store." My brain was too clouded to handle something heady like "House of Cards", so a little viral video surfing would have to suffice. Holy shit, was I glad I clicked on the link.

Now, I'm usually terribly behind on internet trends (I didn't know what a Harlem Shake video was until several weeks after the Super Bowl). So the fact that I was only a week behind this one is a proud achievement for me. First thing I did was text my old roommate "Dude, type 'gallon smash' into YouTube. You're welcome", to which he replied "welcome to the internet, Doorman." 


The first one I watched was the original, and I must say, I've never laughed so hard in my entire life. ( I understand that this is a bold statement, to which mustn't be taken lightly. I once dated a girl that used to describe every waking moment of her day as the grand old experience that she has ever experienced: "Garlic mashed potatoes at Outback? Greatest thing you'll ever eat in your life." "My new assistant? Stupidest person on earth." "Snowboarding? Don't go snowboarding! You'll fall a lot and it'll be the worst thing you ever do in your life!" Really? What if I went to Uganda and fucked a hooker without arubber? Learn some adjectives, stupid.)

But I digress. 

My stomach hurts more than 24 hours later. I feel like I did 200 sit-ups last night because I watched every single one of those fucking videos as if I were watching Arrested Development or Breaking Bad for the first time. At first, I literally had to force my eyes open, because between the squinting and tears, I couldn't see straight. It took me several times to get through the video before I actually witnessed each hilarious fall. 

Now, I don't condone what these kids are doing... actually, yes I do. And here's why: 

I was a little son of a bitch when I was a kid. That didn't stop till right around the time where I was able to get into bars, then I started getting into adult trouble. Looking back on those days where I worked in a hardware store, those little shenanigans were what we thrived for. Hell, on my first day, the kid that trained me said "watch this, yo", lit a ball of twine on fire, and threw it across the store. Here I was, day one of my first real job, and I'm watching a fireball sail over the plumbing aisle. He could have killed someone. Is that funny? No. Was it fucking hilarious when no one got injured and the store didn't burn down? You bet your ass it was. Would I take part in something like that again? Not in a million years. 

We were kids that we were making minimum wage for beer money. And we had a damn good time doing so: 

I remembered the days of taking turns farting into the intercom with my buddies. It was a simple game: the guy with gas would fart into the intercom, while guy without gas pretended to stock shelves while waiting for the reactions of unsuspecting customers. At that time, there wasn't anything more satisfying than seeing an adult trying not to giggle at the symphony of flatulence pounding through the loudspeakers. Or, if the manager were out of the store, we would get super ballsy and lead in with "Attention, customers... BBBRRRRRRRFFFFTTTTTT." 

I remembered the days of cutting out a large cardboard cock and balls, then putting it underneath the florescent lights in the store. What was more fun than walking a customer around the aisles, and catching their reaction to a penis-shaped bat-signal glistening from the ceiling above them? 

I remembered the days of replacing my co-worker's name tag before they got to work, then watching them help customers with "Hello, my name is DILDO. How may I ass-ist you?" pinned to their vest. 

I remembered the display of stick-on letters and numbers that you used to put on your mailbox or front door. I remembered that it was someones job to keep them in alphabetical order, and that it was my hobby to rearrange them to say things like "Help. They kidnapped me, I'm in the basement" or "Uncle George diddled my nut sack." 

I remembered having "fluorescent lightbulbsaber fights" in the basement. 

I remembered putting boogers on the doorbell displays, then celebrating like a muppet when I heard a customer press one. 

Point is, these kids were a lot clever than I was. I mean, come on, if you heard that sound in supermarket, then turned around to see some kid lying in a giant pool of milk, what the fuck you would you think? I honestly don't know how I would react. That's what makes these videos so funny. People just stare, or scream things like "OH MY GOD!", or just ignore it. Almost every instance has a different reaction. 

Is it wasteful? Sure. Are people starving around the world, and these little American white kids are smashing gallons of precious milk like it's nothing? Fine, it's a sin. Does someone have to clean it up? Yes, and that sucks. Did they damage property? Yes, and it should be paid for. You know what you do? Have their parents come in and pay for it, like my parents had to do when the school across the street from our house caught my brother and I breaking windows with a stickball bat, just for shits and giggles. We sure as fuck got ours that day. 

Kids will be kids (as seen in my previous post). They're going to break shit, fuck things up, and act like assholes. At least these kids brought some creativity, and for that, I commend them. Now, it's true that one can say "But, you did all of this bullshit, and you grew up to be a Doorman, Doorman." This is true, but my brother grew up to be a doctor, so suck on that. 

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