Sunday, April 14, 2013

An Ugly Civilian Quickie

I was busy as fuck and busting my ass yesterday for minimal pay, because the rates are somewhere around $170 per night on a Saturday during springtime. In a foul mood, I wasn't up for getting my balls broken by some cunty passerby:

A guest asked me for a taxi while I was getting a ticket stub for a valet. There was also a group bus driver waiting to unload his passengers and honking the horn as if he were trying to move someone laying on a speed bump and masturbating in the street.

This stupid bitch with an iPhone stops me dead in my tracks. Apparently technology has failed her, so she needed to take it out on the 5'10 punching bag with the overcoat and hat. She was in her twenties, and was one of those people where you couldn't tell if they were black or hispanic or Indian. Her iPhone wore a case that had sparkly pink rhinestones. She spoke with a thick Long Island or Staten Island accent.

Bitch - "Where's Bergoff Goodman?"

No "excuse me", not even a look up from her fucking phone. I hate people like this. If you're going to ask a doorman, or anyone for that matter, for directions, have some fucking manners.

I've never heard of that place before, and I thought it was some financial firm or some shit like that.

Doorman - "I'm sorry, what are you looking for?"

The fucking bus honks again. I turn and give the driver the "If you honk that horn one more time, I'm going to make you eat the steering wheel" look.

She rolls her eyes.

Bitch - "Ugh, Bergoff Goodman?"

Ok, Mindy Kaling, I don't know what the fuck that is. Time to move on. Still, being the nice schmuck that I am, I was courteous.

Doorman - "I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't know."

She looks at me like I paused her to fart on my hand and bring it up to my nose for a sniff.

Bitch - "Ummm... Are you fucking kidding me? That's, like, a huge Prada department store!"

I'm actually proud that the first words out of my mouth weren't "I hope you die alone, you fat twat." Instead, I opted to make her feel stupid for asking a stupid question.

Doorman - "Lady, do I look like I shop there?"

I've never seen steam rise to someone's face like it did on her. It wasn't anger towards me because I made her feel like an idiot, it was more "why isn't this public servant serving me? I don't understand!"

Bitch - "You're a fucking jerk!"

This conversation is over. I put on my "I'm gonna make you want to punch me in the face" smile and gave her a big ol' "Y'all come back now" wave.

Doorman - "Have a nice day!!!"

Bitch - "UGH!!!"

She stomped off like a spoiled four year-old. Triumphant in my victory, I turned to see an angry guest waiting for a taxi, an angry guest waiting to have their car unloaded and parked, and a REALLY angry bus driver looking to unload his passengers.

It's all in a days work for the Doorman.

*** Want to see stories like this on the screen?!? You can! Only four days left to donate to the #Doorman TV pilot campaign! Follow the link below to help make it happen!!!

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/doorman--2?c=home

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