It was 11pm the other night. From 11pm-midnight, there's only one bellman on duty, so when it gets busy, they pull me inside to do various bellman tasks. This can be anything from delivering buckets of ice, retrieving towels, or showing newly arrived guests up to their rooms (in the industry, we call them "fronts".)
I never mind because I generally stop making money at around 9pm, so any opportunity to put a little extra jingle in my pocket is welcomed.
Standing at my post, I was the middle of a fully-catatonic daydream about teaming up with Eli Manning in a celebrity golf tournament, when a front desk agent called me over.
Front Desk Agent - "Doorman, I'm really sorry. Can you take this lady up? She's a little crazy."
Doorman - "Sure, why the hell not?"
She was a little white lady stood at about 5'1 and 200lb. I couldn't tell if she were homeless or a hipster, but she wore a pair of black basketball shorts and an old-school Philadelphia 76ers jersey. The kicker was the neon-green windbreaker and matching hat, which she had the rim propped-up in the air.
She looked like a pudgy, white, female version of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
I grabbed the keys from the Front Desk Agent, and cautiously approached her. She held a small duffle bag in her arms like a football, with two shopping bags on the floor.
Doorman - "Good evening, ma'am. May I take that bag for you?"
Fresh Prince - "NO!!! JUST TAKE THE SHOPPING BAGS!!!"
Doorman - "Okie dokie."
We got in the elevator. I didn't care about her snapping. It was late and I had made decent money that day, so I was just intrigued by what she had to say.
And, fuck, she had a lot to say:
Fresh Prince - "How many stars is this hotel? One? Four"
Doorman - "Three."
Fresh Prince - "Yeah, that's what I thought. I stay at the Helmsley or the Waldorf all the time but tonight they didn't have any rooms and I was in the city taking pictures and didn't feel like commuting all the way upstate but I don't know of too many other hotels in the area so I went on expedia and booked this one but the lobby don't look like it does in the pictures and holy shit these elevators are slow!!!"
Doorman - "Yeah."
Fresh Prince - "What floor am I on? Eight? I usually stay on the 10th floor at the Helmsley or Waldorf but they didn't have any rooms tonight but I already told you that but no offense but those hotels are nicer than this one."
Doorman - "None taken."
Fresh Prince - "Yeah I don't even know why I came here but I didn't feel like doing the commute all the way upstate and lots of hotels in the area don't have smoking rooms but this one does and the lady at the front desk told me that I have a smoking room but you guys aren't dog friendly are you?"
Doorman - "No."
Fresh Prince - "Yeah I didn't think so there aren't too many dog friendly places in the city except for that piece of shit hotel in front of Madison Square Garden but I never stay there because there are prostitutes in the lobby-"
Ding - EIGHTH FLOOR!!!!
I galloped to her room with her chugging behind me, continuously chewing my ear off. I opened the door put the shopping bags down, turned on the lights, and turned to get the fuck out of there.
Fresh Prince - "Hang on a sec! I wanna give you a little something. Boy these rooms aren't as nice as the Waldorf or the Helmsley!"
I stopped and waited. Because I love money.
She placed the duffle-bag, ever so gently, on the bed and pulled out an impressive money-wad. I noticed that she keeps hers like I keep mine - singles on top.
As she prepared to peel two singles off the top and hand them over, the duffle bag abruptly rocked back and forth.
Then I heard the faint sounds of a little dog yawning.
We both heard it, and stood in silence for a second. I looked at the bag, looked and her, then purposefully panned my line-of-sight down to her money-wad.
She put the two singles back, then dug deeper into her currency and pulled out a ten.
Fresh Prince - "You didn't hear that."
I snatched the ten from her.
Doorman - "Hear what?"
And I left.