Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Fuck, At Least She's Honest

French people. Take them or leave them. What can I say? The French are assholes? You knew that. Americans get drunk and loud and shitty? You knew that, too. Brazilians shop a lot and speak in ugly tongues? You betcha. Certain stereotypes aren't stereotypes in the service industry. Some things are common knowledge. The French don't tip? Common fucking knowledge.

Though in my hotel, the majority of French people come in organized groups. And as I mentioned in my bellman tip breakdown, the bell staff get a certain amount of money per person when large tour groups arrive and exit. It's protects us from being completely shut out of money when these cunts come in, don't use our car services, then don't give us a dollar when we schlep their luggages up and down the steps, and to and from their rooms. So I really can't complain too much about the French. 

Actually, that's a lie. Because even with the groups, we still get a slew of individual arrivals in the late summer and early fall, and for those individual arrivals, we get dick. Dick. Maybe a "merci", if we're lucky. They never actually make the effort to say "thank you". Ever. Seriously, service industry peeps, try and recall a French person ever actually uttering the words "thank" and "you" together. Can't do it, right? 

I don't really have to rant about all of the French people who have stiffed me over my time here, because all of us industry folk know the drill. "They don't understand because it's not custom over there." Suck my pink ball-bag. There's that phrase "when in Rome..." and the second part of that sentence isn't "be an ignorant cunt." You're in America. We live on tips. Read a travel guide. 

I can't tell you how many times I've sauntered over to a shuttle bus or a taxi, excited to greet what appear to be American travelers, only to see the dreaded "Air France" luggage tags. Now that I'm over there, I have to follow through, and work for fucking free.

Though I recently had a brief interaction that's definitely worth noting: 

I opened the door for an incredibly attractive woman and her mother. They both had suitcases, and as it's my job, I reached to take the luggage and carry them up the steps. I started with the daughter (because she was closer, not because she was hot) and (okay, because she was hot) was greeted with an index finger to the face: 

Hot French Woman - "EHHH NO! We do not give tips! If you want to help, it is only because you love me!" 

Never in my life have I been so turned on. The accent, the conviction, the fact that she one-armed the fucking thing over four steps like it was nothing. But I'm not one to buckle for a woman because she's attractive (another fucking lie), so I let her go up the steps by herself. Though not before trying to sound cool and instead coming off as a complete fucking doofus: 

Doorman - "Okay, C'est la vie!" 

I had to google that term, because I'm fucking stupid, and it means "that's life" in French. I dunno. I say stupid shit when I'm caught off-guard. 

Anyways, I wanted to be angry with her (as her elderly mother struggled up the steps and I did nothing to help), because she was just another hot girl who blew me off, who saw the doorman hat and treated me as if I were just some monkey that she could just poo poo away. Inferiority complexes can be a bitch. Though after I thought about it, I realized that she was what I wish every other French tourist would be: 


Imagine a service industry world where every foreigner who didn't believe in tipping told you up-front that they weren't going to compensate you for your services?!? It would be divine!!! 

You don't tip? Thanks for letting me know! My back has been killing me and I could use a break! Go fuck yourself and have a wonderful stay!!! 

Imagine being a waiter?!?! 

"Oh, you want some more water? I'll get right on that!!!" (THEN YOU FORGET ON PURPOSE!!!)  

So refreshing!!! 

I spent the rest of the night fantasizing about her coming back down and saying something like, "eehhhh sorry for before! My mother went to a movie, would you like to come upstairs and ravage me?"

(She didn't.)

UPDATE (8/8/13) 

She left the next day. I was in a jolly good mood, so as she went to take her suitcase down the steps, I grabbed the handle from her.

Doorman - "It's because I love you."

I winked. She blushed.

Her mom laughed as she struggled down the steps with her suitcase.

Hot French Woman - "Ah! I knew when I first met you!"

She winked back.

She exited the door and onto her shuttle bus, though not before looking back at me and smiling.

Sometimes, it's the little things. 

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