Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Fuck Times Square

A few more things to leave you with...

Want to enjoy New York City and all it has to offer? Here's some more tips on how to get the most out of your stay:

"Location, location, location."

It makes me crazy when I read Trip Advisor reviews praising a hotel's location, going on and on and on about how close it is to Times Square. Please, if I'm going to teach you anything, let me teach you this - Times Square fucking stinks. Go there, take a fucking picture, and get the fuck out. All is it is departments stores that you have back home, a few bright and shiny lights, and a bunch of assholes trying to sell you shit and squeeze you for money.

"Oh, there's Elmo!!! Go ahead, Johnny, take a picture!!!"

Johnny takes a picture with Elmo. Now, if you don't want to pony up a few bucks to Leroy the barking ex-con underneath the costume, he's going to curse you out and berate you right in front of your child.

"Live comedy show! Comedy Central showcase!"

Only twenty dollars?!?! And I only have to buy two drinks at the "LOL" comedy club?!?! That's a STEAL!!! And look at the name of the club!!! It's LOL!!! AHAHAHAHA its funny because it means laugh out loud and its a comedy club!!!

Fart.

Idiots... do you think that if a comedy club had no problem booking established comedians, they would need these fucking barkers selling tickets in Times Square? So, now you've spent twenty dollars on a ticket, have to buy two overpriced drinks (which is usually the norm anywhere you go), and you have no idea who you're there to see? I'll tell you - Amateurs. And there's nothing wrong with amateurs. I was an amateur once. You know what I never did? Became a pro, because I stunk. Most amateurs don't become pros. Because they stink. You want to see amateurs? Go to an open mic, pay nothing to get in, and drink at your own leisure. Don't pay premium comedy club prices to sit through a bunch of painful sets of aspiring comics trying to figure out their niche.

You want to go to a good comedy club in New York?

http://www.comedycellar.com/line-up/

$13-$18 covers. Established, name comedians. Neighborhood that's not Times Square. You're welcome.


Spidey wearing an ass-fanny pack. OH, LOOK!!! A TOYS R US!!!!


Want to see a Broadway show at a discounted price? Totally feasible!!!







Just don't fucking do it here. 

Want to stand in the sweltering heat for two hours with a bunch of smelly tourists while scalpers and barkers try and push shows on you from outside the line? Be my guest. It's your vacation. Though you can get the same tickets at the South Street Seaport or in Downtown Brooklyn and wait in line for less than five minutes. Then spend the rest of the day in a nice NYC neighborhood, experiencing new things and meeting locals. 

South Street Seaport


Brooklyn 

Another tip - The South Street Seaport and Brooklyn booths sell tickets for the next-day matinees. So you can arrive Tuesday, not wait on line, and have your tickets ready for the next day. Saves time, and you'll end up with a better seat to the show you want to see. Then hit up a neighborhood restaurant. You can also download the TKTS app to find out what's available at the booths, or visit their website here:


Or you can wait two hours for shitty seats, then dine here:


That's the Olive Garden. I assure you, the food is exactly the same as it would be in the strip mall off of route 17, only twice as expensive. 

People, please listen to me. I grew up here. I love my city, and I'll do everything I can to live here forever. There's a reason why people come here and fall in love with everything New York has to offer, and none of those reasons lie in Times Square. Seriously, look at my list of stores in Times Square that I posted last year. You can find these places anywhere. 

My advice - Stay at a boutique downtown or on the Upper West Side, download the HopStop app, buy a MetroCard, and experience New York like a New Yorker. 

You know what also helps? Tip your Doorman five on the way in, then later ask him where he would go to eat/drink/hang out. He'll be honest with you. Just sayin'. 

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