Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Doorman Owns an Entitled Guido

As you may have noticed through over one hundred stories about my follies and adventures, I sometimes have a difficult time controlling my temper. During my three-month hiatus from blogging, I spent a good deal of time dealing with these issues. I can't say that I still don't have the occasional dust-up, because I most certainly do. With this job, it's par for the course. Though I'm proud to say that I've been improving my approach to dealing with belligerent assholes, thus shrinking my odds of getting my head kicked in by someone who actually means business. 

As you may have seen in my pilot (WATCH IT HERE), or in the popular My Name is Nunzio post, I will sometimes have to deal with a guido in a nice car, who swings his dick around and can't be told anything he doesn't want to hear. I grew up on Staten Island, and I've had my lifelong fill of these entitled wannabe wise-guys who think they can do and say whatever the fuck they want. Most of these little pukes are nobodies cruising around on daddy's dime, but you really never know who you're messing with. 

That's the frustrating thing about having to confront these guys. They're all going to put on the same fa├žade, belittling you while trying to impress whatever woman they have in the passenger seat. Most of the time, if I see a car in the loading zone, I give them a few minutes to do what they have to do and only approach them if it's absolutely necessary. Nine times out of ten, the problem fixes itself. (I'll cover this in my next How to Survive Being a Doorman post.) 

Though on this particular day, it was 3pm, I had a guests and a taxi trying to pull in, and this grease-ball in an Escalade took it upon himself to casually parallel park in my last spot in the loading zone. With a cabbie honking at me, and an economy car with Quebec plates behind them trying to unload, I had no choice but to get this fucker out of here. 

This brings be back to my dealing with anger issues. Instead of flipping out, running over to him like a maniac, I instead took a breath and approached him like a gentleman. He was older, maybe in his fifties, with that coifed, slicked-back rug atop his dome. The first words out of his mouth as I approached his vehicle with a wave and a warm smile was, "what?" 

Not a good start, Paesan. 

Doorman - "Checking in, sir?" 

Guido - "No." 

He wife was in the passenger seat. 

Doorman - "Are you picking anybody up at the hotel?"

Guido - "No." 

We're at three words being spoken to me. Here I am, trying to do my job, and I have this grown-ass man giving me one-word answers like some spoiled toddler.

Doorman - "Okay, do you have any business here at the hotel."

Guido - "No."

Okay, fucker.

Doorman - "Well, I'm going to have to ask you to move. I need to get some guests in here and you're blocking my only spot."

Now, any reasonable human being would oblige. Why? Because I was polite, gave them a moment to speak their peace, and kept my cool. But we're not dealing with any reasonable human being. We're dealing with Johnny OneWordAnswers:

Johnny OneWordAnswers - "No."

All the work I've been doing to control my temper and remain calm in situations like this had official been called in.

Doorman - "Excuse me?"

Then, Johnny OneWordAnswers spoke:

Johnny OneWordAnswers - "I'll be leaving in a minute."

As he took out his phone to start texting, with his plastic wife nearly catatonic next to him, I felt that old familiar feeling: the blood rushing to my face, my heart galloping loud enough for me to feel it in my earlobes, the shaky hands. There were two doors I could walk through, and I did the mature thing and walked through... the... umm... mature door?

Doorman - "Sir, I don't have a minute. I have one parking spot to unload two separate cars, and I can't do that with you sitting here. Now, please, do me a favor and move."

Spoken like a true gentleman, Doorman.

Johnny OneWordAnswers - "You're not a traffic cop. I'm not fuckin' moving."

I just stared at him. I wanted to punch him as hard as I could in the mouth, then take the metal street garbage can and smash it over his windshield. But I didn't. I just kept persisting. Kept being a gentleman:

Doorman - "Why are you acting like this?"

He looked up from his phone. He knew what I was getting at, and he invited me to follow through with my statement.

Johnny OneWordAnswers - "Like what..."

Doorman - "You know god-damn well 'what'."

He shifted in his seat and gave his wife the "you believe this fucking guy?" look.

Doorman - "You know what? Stay here as long as you want. Enjoy your victory. Sit here and know that you've made my job more difficult. And for what? To impress your woman? Congratulations."

And then I walked away. If he was going to fuck up my day, I'll be damned if I don't get the last word in.

I went back to the door to get a valet ticket, and planned on just figuring out how to work around Johnny OneWordAnswers. I flung the door open, snatched the ticket book from on top of the doorman phone, and turned back.

Johnny OneWordAnswers was gone. The car with the Quebec plates was pulling in.


I celebrated like Walter White did after he blew up Tuco's headquarters. You know, when he first realizes that he loves being a criminal? (Haven't watched Breaking Bad yet? I feel sorry for you.)

So about twenty minutes passes by, and a bellman comes outside to bull shit about stuff. I told him my triumphant story. I told him that I used the gentleman's approach to dealing with Johnny OneWordAnswers, and how I'm never going to lose my temper again, and how I'm the greatest doorman alive. He laughed and nodded, proud that I was turning over a new leaf.

Then, just as I finished my story, I saw a  gloved hand, low to the ground, with it's middle finger erected as it passed by me.

Walking by was Johnny OneWordAnswers, standing a mere 5'2 with his wife towering over him, flipping me the bird. All I could do was let out a belly-laugh.

Doorman - "HEY! Where'd you park?!?!"

He simply just lifted his little hand up higher, with his stubby little middle finger angrily pointed towards the sky, and kept moving.

I never saw Johnny OneWordAnswers again.

I've been doing this for two and a half years. There has never been a more satisfying end to any altercation I've ever had. Ever. 

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