Monday, November 10, 2014

Smile! An Excerpt from the Employee Handbook

Smile. Smile. Smile. Remember to smile!  Guest yells. Keep smiling. Your upbeat and positive energy is contagious! Have them catch you at your best! Greet the guest, with a smile. Greet every guest as they pass by! Don't say too-familiar, uneducated phrases like, "hello", or "haya doin?" Greet them with the time of day, so they know you've put some thought and effort into it! "Good morning, good afternoon, good evening!" "Good evening, folks! Welcome back!" Don't say, "you're welcome" or "no problem!" Let them know that it's "my pleasure", and "all the best!" And smile! Smile! Smile! Smile! 

Depression issues? Just keep smiling! Smile through the pain and inferiority complex! Smile, even though this person in front of you is calling you an imbecile! Smile, even when a bus driver embarrasses you in front of 50 people! Smile, even when you carry twenty 100 lb+ bags in without a tip or thank you! Smile, greet the guest as they walk by texting, not thanking you for holding the door open! Smile, because they aren't obligated to thank a fellow human being for doing something they can easily do themselves, but shouldn't have to because they're on vacation! Smile, even when you blink and three years have gone by and you're still doing what you've sworn to not do by every previous year's end!

The guest experience is important. Staff efficiency and kindness will make or break any property, regardless of star-status or make-up. A three star property can be elevated to a four star with top-notch service and excellence. Treat every interaction as an opportunity to learn how you can better serve the guests! If the bellmen and doormen in a hotel are making $1200 a week, they're doing something wrong! You can make up to $350 a day in tips, with a sound work ethic and hunger to provide the guest with an outstanding experience! This is a six-figure job! Just remember to keep smiling!!! 

Had a death in the family? Just keep smiling! Woke up this morning so depressed that you can't get out of bed, only to realize that you have no more sick days left and need to make the rent this month? Leave it at the door. Your personal issues should be left in your locker with the street clothes you changed out of before you put that uniform on. Remember, that uniform is a representation of the hotel, not whatever baggage you have swirling around in your head. The only baggage you need to worry about, is the one you're carrying into the hotel (LOL)!

Down time? Walk around the lobby, introduce yourselves to guests. Offer them a map. Let them know you're there to help with anything they need. And SMILE! Don't see a non-busy time as an opportunity to check your email or social media pages. See it as a time to ingratiate yourselves and build forever-lasting relationships! 

Some cabbie called you a "cunt faggot motherfucker"? You mustn't become angry in front of the guests. Continue to smile, even when civilians treat you like you're a public servant whipping post. Remember, your uniform is a representation of the hotel, so you must be kind and gracious to every pedestrian who rudely pumps you for information and berates you when you aren't as helpful as they would like. When a non-guest dupes you into thinking that they're staying with us so you can fetch them a taxi in the rain, then doesn't tip or say thank you, you must maintain your smile and be kind and gracious. You never know - maybe one day, when they're planning their next trip to NYC, they'll remember the friendly doorman who helped them get a taxi and it'll prompt them to book with us! Always remind them to book through our website for the best possible rate and free access to wifi codes (a $19.99 per-day value!)

Guests come in after along day of walking around Times Square and taking pictures with ex-convicts dressed like Disney characters? Don't just say "hello!". Offer them a foot massage! Give them literature on the hotel spa, where if they book an appointment directly through the concierge, can receive a discount of up to 10% on all facials and pedicures!!! 

Have a guest call you a "piece of shit doorman, who will just open the door and carry bags until he dies" because he got charged for an extra day on the valet service? Refer them to the manager (with a smile) and we'll explain ways we can improve our customer service. There's nothing that can't be solved with a little quality damage control (with a smile), to compensate for the inadequacies of our still-learning staff members. Remember, every instance where a guest leaves unhappy is a learning experience. Also - you mustn't allow a mistake on such a large scale deter you from smiling and providing the following guest with an immaculate stay. (And always make sure to remind them to tell us what they think on Trip Advisor, so we could further enhance the guest experience!)

See a one of our business-traveler guests come in, having struck out at the bar? Don't just ask "how was your evening, sir?" Offer them a hand-job! Provide them with VIP cards to the gentleman's club on 52nd street. That's a comped entry, which is a twenty dollar value! We cannot have our white-collar clientele going home with any pent-up aggression. If they leave aroused and frustrated, why would they ever return?

Also - with the emergence of apps like Lyft and Uber, it's easy to overlook the value of putting a guest in a taxi quickly and efficiently. If this means having a specific type of taxi waiting for a guest, during rush hour in in-climate weather, with every pedestrian in the city fighting for a taxi, so be it! Nothing is impossible, as you are aware of our slogan: "Here at the (redacted) Hotel, we make the impossible a reality!" If you have to jump in front of traffic to nab a taxi across the street, it is in the best interest of the hotel and those of the guest that you do so. Getting eviscerated by an oncoming vehicle (with a smile) is only a small sacrifice for an immaculate guest experience. Our union doctors will have you back to work in no time, with several hours of physical therapy covered by our various insurance plan packages! 

In conclusion, please remember that any bouts of clinical depression, anxiety attacks, intermittent lapses of psychosis, emotional turmoil, or any other contagious moods which may sour the guest experience are not to be demonstrated on the property under any circumstances. Employees found exhibiting these behaviors are subject to immediate dismissal. 

And, remember - SMILE!!!!! 


  1. Wow, this was really painful to read... I recently stayed in a five-star hotel, by way of getting a loyalty coupon from I was really astounded by the solid 24/7-smiles that the employees had on their faces. I always tried to reward them with enough tips, but it really sounds like a horrible experience...

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